Christmas Tree?

As I am writing this, G and R are setting up their tree. I'm slightly detached from what is currently going on. Why? Well, let me tell you. It's all of THEIR stuff. I have none of mine here and it's his house. Yes, we are back to this. Perhaps I'm being overly emotional about this, but I'm annoyed. Even more so because they won't even be here for Christmas.

Bottom line? Christmas will never be easy for me. It never gets easier without my dad here. I want to do all the traditions that we used to do with him. Like on Christmas Eve we would go to church for the night service, on the drive home we would go very slowly throughout the neighborhood looking at all the Christmas lights.  Then when we got home my dad would read all the Christmas stories to us while we ate cookies. I miss him so much.  Not a minute goes by where I don't think about him and how much I miss him.  I know he's looking down at me and with me in spirit, but it's truly not the same. I slightly dread Christmas. Yeah, I said it.

On a side note to JHRME: I've had "nightmares" before too. They are awful. Mine usually consist of being so real that I wake up thinking he's still around. It's horrible. Luckily, they don't happen too often, but I know what you feel like.

Cure

I found the best cure for me to start feeling better and to stop dying: Walk three miles, going to see Joshua Radin in Denver, and getting a new doggy.  The week of Thanksgiving I felt a lot better. Even now I feel back to myself. I hope it stays like this for a while, at least.

Here is Joshua Radin, Rena, me, and Amy. We met him, he signed a shirt and a CD, and I hugged him. Hee hee.

Thanksgiving was fantastic. Rob, the doggy, and I went up to Denver to spend time with my family. It was my first holiday with no meat and I can honestly say that I didn't miss it. Yay! I'm quite proud of myself.  Next challenge: Christmas.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately.  I mean, I always think about him but it's been more lately.  Stupid holidays. I found a t-shirt of mine last time I was at the parents that was from the 1995 Women's Open at the Broadmoor that my papa (dad) took me too. I'm determined to go to the one this year and get another shirt.  It made me so happy and then I remembered him taking me. That was our thing that we used to do; go to golf tournaments and eat lemonade shaved ice. I wish he was here to take me this year.

Anyways, I just wanted to check in. I'm alive, finally. :)

Princess

The last few weeks, my body has been hating me. I somehow got some weird bacterial infection in my throat - which at first was thought to be strep throat. Ha, just kidding because the amoxicillin did not work. At all. I seriously thought I was dying. I went to the urgent care/doctor three times in 5 days. The first one resulted strep throat, supposedly. The second visit resulted in getting a steroid shot which would wear off in 72 hours, and the third trip to the doctor resulted in blood being taken, new medicine, as well as a mono test, and being told that she was 90% that it was mono but would send it off to get it cultured just to make sure. The result in all this? I've lost quite a bit of pounds, which is nice, but it's really not the smart thing to do. Oh, and me missing tons of work.  Yesterday I went to work, somehow made it through it although I cried hysterically in the morning because I couldn't find the belt. And I had no energy.  Today I went to work and sobbed and was running a fever, so I went home. I feel horrible about missing work, but I feel like I can't really do my job when it takes energy to stand up. Hopefully I'll get some rest this weekend and next week will be better.

I'm supposed to be walking for St. Jude's tomorrow with some ladies from, um, Deathrose. (I told Melissa I would do it with her before I quit). I raised enough money to reach my goal of $250, thanks to my parents, and my brother.  Let's talk about how the only person who doesn't work there (me) raised the most money. That's right. Interesting. However, I think I'm gonna go just to cheer them on since there is no way that I can walk that far. I mean, seriously, I get winded just getting up and going to the bathroom. I'm way bummed to, but I feel like I did my part already by raising money.

On a much happier note, we got another doggy! Today. From the Humane Society.  Last night I got an e-mail from the Humane Society in Boulder Valley, so I checked out the dogs. There are puppies in Castle Rock that I would really like to see.  However, there was also a dog that Rob fell in love with on the computer. Up until last night, he refused and told me he was not ready for another dog. I tried to be patient, but when it came to looking at the dog he wanted, I made her talk.  So we went and looked at her today.  Her name is Princess, we might try to ease in another name, cause well that name is just, blah. But she has gotten used to it so we'll see. She has been surrendered at the Humane Society three times since June. The first family didn't want to go through the trouble of spaying her (WHAT!?!?!), the second family's landlord wouldn't let them keep a dog, and the third family was an older couple that couldn't keep up with her activeness. She definitely needed a forever home and that's what we are. She is about two years old and is a buff cocker spaniel. She does amazing with dogs and children. She is already microchipped, which is good since apparently she likes to dart out the door. She pulls on the leash, but that's really the only downfall so far and can be easily fixed. When we got her home we realized that she knows basic commands, comes to her name, is house broken, and crate trained, AND she knows how to play fetch. Amazing.

So here she is: she is sleeping right now...she must be exhausted, but isn't she adorable?!

Thrasher

It's amazing that I am writing about this again. For the second time. Within 10 days.  Not only did we just have to say goodbye to Maddie Sue on October 20th, but today, October 29th, we had to say goodbye to Thrasher.  Thrasher was a much a harder decision and such a different situation than Maddie. 

He was fine all morning; he ate all his food and played with his tug.  Around 2:00pm he came in the kitchen where Rob and I were and threw up. He continued to shake uncontrollably, and once again, I was the one that pushed to take him to the vet. We knew he didn't get into anything because for most of the day he was with one of us.  We took him to the vet and they ran tests on him.  They took x-rays of his chest and abdominal and they noticed that he had gas or liquid outside of the intestine. Not normal. This was due to an organ leaking or it rupturing.  He was only going to progressively get worse.  As much as it hurt, when the doctor said that I knew what was going to happen. However, he is technically not my dog...so it was a lot of waiting.  Two things he did that I knew it was the right decision...well, for one, he pooped everywhere. They gave him some pain medicine (which helped for about 2 hours) and he got up, walked around, pooped, walked through the exam rooms, and pooped some more.  Another thing he did that solidified it for me was that the three of us took him for a "walk" before we let him go, he walked in the grass, and laid down.  That's when I knew 100% sure that it was the right thing to do. 

I don't feel as much as the world is crashing in on me with the decision we made with Thrasher as I did with Maddie.  I knew I was helping him by not letting him be in pain anymore and with Maddie I felt kind of selfish that I didn't take her in soon enough because I wasn't ready to deal with it or be alone with it.  Whenever I get sad about it, I keep thinking about how when that gate opened to let Thrashy through, I know Maddie was there waiting to pounce on him, just like she did when he came out of the kennel.  I know they are up there frolicking around with my Papa (dad) and all my other animals.

They were both amazing dogs and I love them so much.  I don't like being in a house where there are no dogs.  I don't like the feeling at all.  We are going to do Thrasher's list of things he did tomorrow. So here they are, my cocker spaniel angels:

R.I.P. Maddie, October 20, 2010 and Thrasher, October 29, 2010.  Give everyone lots of licks for me and come and visit often!

Closer

I'm pretty glad that this week is on its way to being farther away in my memory.  I started my new job which has its own challenges in it; getting to know a whole new set of kids, parents, staff, and a boss.  The room I am in is a little more difficult since it is a Head Start room.  The bonus is that there should usually be three teachers in there at all times.  That's right. Three.  I am guaranteed 40 hours each week.  Even when we are ridiculously low in ratio, I will stay until my shift is done.  Anything over 40 hours is overtime and they will actually pay me for my time. Amazing.

I quickly learned how amazing my new boss is. Wednesday when I had the whole Maddie Sue fiasco, I had to call in. On my third day of work.  Although it was an emergency to me, I didn't know how it would look for others.  I called the secretary (who I can't even remember her name since it's my first week) and cried uncontrollably letting her know about my dog and to have my boss call me back.  She eventually did call me back and although she told me that things were crazy at work, she would come over and be with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. Amazing. The next day she gave me hugs and talked to me about how she understands that animals aren't just pets, they are more like people.

I keep dreaming about Maddie Sue...I see her every where. I still do that with Ernie whenever I go to the parents house.  I expect Ernie to be at the top of the stairs waiting for me and now when I get home and I'm in the kitchen, I expect Maddie Sue to be there too.  Prior to her crossing the rainbow bridge, I felt as though as a whole in me and Rob's relationship. That we weren't close and we were pushing each other away.  Every since dealing with this, we have grown closer and have leaned back on each other. It's a wonderful feeling.

Today we took Thrashy to the dog park. He definitely liked sniffing those butts! I just got done ordering my Needle Master Needle System through Hobby Lobby. I used a 40% off coupon and got it for $43. AND I'm extremely excited about it. Now if only I had a knitting partner to go to the tea shop with me. ;)

Little Black Bear

Last night was hell and I figured today was going to be it. It was going to be the day that I feared was coming. Our little black bear, Maddie Sue passed away today at 10:13am. Even though we had known this moment was coming for a few months, it doesn't make it any easier. She stopped having interest in food on Sunday and by Monday she wasn't really eating anything. Rob had to leave for a big conference on Tuesday. I asked him not to go because I had a feeling something was going to happen and I couldn't be alone. By Tuesday night, she stopped eating completely. I lucked out and got her to take her pain medicine but that was it. I had come home from work and she had moved herself to the laundry room. Odd. She perked up when she heard the door close and gave me a look. I didn't know that would the longest night of my life. Her body temperature had dropped although I had put a big blanket on her. In the midst of dealing with her, Thrasher was having his own issues with onions and I found myself talking to the on-call vet at 11:30 last night trying to figure out what to do. Luckily, Thrasher threw up on his own and is okay. I got on the floor and begged with Maddie to not go tonight. That was  my own self reason because I knew I couldn't handle something like that on my own. I got absolutely no sleep due to me thinking she was eating or dying and my panic attack. I was terrified to wake up and go to the laundry room. I was absolutely shocked to see her still breathing. I got dressed and immediately went to the vet this morning. When the doctor looked her over, he had told me that she was already half gone. I knew this, but Rob was on the first flight out to get here in time, so I asked them to put fluids in her because she was so dehydrated. They did but warned me that even  the fluids wouldn't truly help with anything. Before they took her, I gave her a huge kiss on her snout and told her that I loved her and she was a great dog. She gave me the look.

I had arranged to come and see her at 10:30am. I was talking to my mom telling her that I wish nature would take its course and right when I said that, my phone rang and it was the animal hospital telling me she had passed away.  My BFF, Sarah, said the only thing to me that made me feel slightly better: that I did the right thing by putting her on fluids because they make them feel better, so she was able to relax and let go.

I miss her so much. I can't believe I was able to do things on my own and make all the decisions on my own. Rob didn't make it back in time and I feel horrible about that. I don't think Maddie would want him to see her like that. I'm a firm believer that once it comes to that point, the soul is already in Heaven and the body is just the representation and that's exactly what happened. She was already up there running around with Ernie, Hershey, Twink, Mandy, Brillow(sp?), Princess, and of course, my papa. She was an amazing dog who had a huge heart. I miss her kisses and her big chocolate brown eyes. I know this will get easier eventually, but right now it's just too much.

We put together a list of things we will always remember about her and here it is, so far:

• Fatty Sue, Rhino, Little Black Bear
• She picked Rob as his owner. He tells it the best way, but when he went to go look at dogs, he sat down. Maddie climbed up on his leg and started barking at him. The rest is history.
• She had a tissue/crayon eating habit.
• She LOVED playing with skunks, so much in fact that she got sprayed. Twice.
• Hogging all of the couch
• Sleeping on Rob's hockey towels in his office
• Always finding a way in my car to hop up in the front seat and always sitting on Rob's lap while he's driving.
• Licking our feet
• Hanging out on the front porch at my parent's house and falling asleep with the breeze.
• Insisting on sleeping in the bed with me at the parents.
• Her mouthiness - she would play bark with us
• She would often cross her paws
• There was always one paw touching you when you were holding or petting her.
• The way her ears would flow back when she would stick her head out the window.
• Pawing at us so we would give her attention
• She would go back and forth between Rob and I when we would come home.
• Being so dainty when she chewed bones/eating/drinking/taking food out of our hand.
• You give her a kiss and she'd give one right back.
• She would always be up for snuggling.
• Her voice. The way she would talk. She called me CamiCam.

Maddie Sue, you will forever be missed and you were such an amazing dog. Tell everyone up there that I say hi and give them lots of licks for me. I love you.

New Things

A few good things have been happening lately. First and foremost, I got a new job. My last week at the private preschool is this upcoming week. Although I will miss my families, my kiddos, and a few of the only awesome co-workers left there, I am super excited to start something new. I'm going to another center which is closer to me, pays better, and has so many other benefits that are just amazing. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this. I actually feel like a grown up. Scary, but it's a good thing.

I have also decided to actually exercise more. I even went out and bought new shoes that are strictly for working out. It's been six weeks since I've decided to become a vegetarian. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made and there have only been a handful of times where I REALLY wanted to eat meat, but then I'd remember how sick I would get and the feeling quickly passed. My mom has been such a amazing supporter (although she does eat meat, but not often) and has already promised to cook my kind of food at the holidays. She's even told me that she would eat the stuff I'd bring. I have the best mom ever.

Another amazing thing that has happened is that my wonderful friend, Sarah, has started her own business. Need help training your dog? Call Sarah. The dog is opening up the oven to get up on the counter to get to food and you want to scream at the dog? Call Sarah. No joke. She is amazing and knows exactly what she is doing. Here is her website: http://www.thecognitivecanine.com/index.html  I'm so proud of her!

My beautiful niece turned 4 years old on September 21st. Holy crap, do I feel old. Here she is when she a baby. She's not even a year old in this picture. I love her so much!

Vail

This past weekend we went to Vail like we do every September so that he could teach a seminar.  Vail is always fun.  On the way up we tried to go "leaf peeping" at Mueller State Park but it appeared as though we missed the peak this year.  I think we were a week off, but I did get some good pictures.

I started walking/jogging and doing my wii fit plus. I put on my workout gear and my NEW shoes and I took the doggies for a walk today and then did my wii fit. I feel great but still really worried about my foot. I'm so ready to get back into shape. It's a good feeling.

Good things are happening. I'm making changes and I love it. I hope a big change will be happening soon, but we'll see. I'm quite hopeful because frankly it needs to happen. Think positive thoughts.

Texture

Tonight I made Gardein's new product Meatless Buffalo Tenders. I did not enjoy them. It was clearly a texture issue - too much tofu-y weirdness. I'm not completely sold on tofu yet - I need someone to make it crispy and cook it for me so I can start to enjoy it. However, the kiddo and the BF loved buffalo tenders. I also made Alexia olive oil and sea salt french fries. They were quite tasty. I put some extra sea salt on them. They were also great with some bleu cheese on the side. Luckily for me, I wasn't ridiculously hungry after putting the weird-texture-tenders in my mouth.

I haven't been able to sleep at all. I do have to be at work at 6:30am, but for the life of me I cannot stay asleep. I am always up from midnight to 3:30am. Pretty crappy since I have to wake up at 4:45am so I can start to hit my snooze with enough time to leave for work. So I am only getting about 2 hours of solid sleep a night. This has been happening all week. I don't have a problem with going to sleep; it's just being able to stay asleep. This has resulted in me taking a Tylenol pm to see if it will help.

I got a new cell phone yesterday. I finally got my Droid X in the mail and quickly started setting it up. It's amazing. I have no clue how I went so long without a phone that does all these amazing things AND on a screen that I can see them on! It makes my day a lot easier now that I am able to read http://dailypuglet.com on my phone.

I still need to write about my trip to New York...maybe I'll work on that this weekend.

I love Blue Dog. One day I'll own a picture...

Deal Breaker

Yesterday I went to Denver to hang out with my family and celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday. It was a lot of fun. Rob went on dinosaur adventure with Kyrah and it was so much fun to watch. He even made little dinosaur foot prints in the dirt when she wasn't watching.

Over the past 24 hours I realized that I have some deal breakers. It's come to that. We discussed it this afternoon and we're both going to try to fix it. I made it clear that if he does not fix it, I'm out the door. This is the first time I have really put my foot down and decided that I'm no longer going to deal with it and keep pushing my feelings aside. I assume that the next few days will be awkward - in the sense that I will push away and have my guard up even more. It's generally what happens.

On a happier note there was this traveling cow exhibit that came to Colorado a few years ago and I was looking through my pictures and it made me happy to look at them.  Check out Jacque Moosteau!

That's right. That's one awesome cow.

Oh, and kudos to me for being able to figure out how to post a picture! :)

Long Day

Today was a ridiculously long day. I worked at 6:30am, left at 2:45pm and had to return back to work at 5:00pm for a "Meet the staff" thing. I've been there for over a year so one would think that it was not really necessary for me to be there, but it made me look good so I did it. Ha ha.

In between my break I saw an old friend who I haven't seen since early March. She is moving back here next month and I cannot wait. It was so good to catch up with her and it wasn't awkward at all. I'm glad we got together. I have the best friends, ever.

After work, I went to upgrade my phone. Now I have to wait for it to be shipped to me - 10 days. I'm REALLY excited about it.

I've been obsessed with gardein products. The "chicken" tenders are rocking my socks. I can't get enough of them. I'm also really digging this no meat thing. I saw a picture of a cow the other day, got super excited, got tears in my eyes, and yelled, "I don't eat you anymore." Yeah...it's new and exciting.

New to This

I'm really new to this. I usually don't like writing about myself, but I want to start tracking my life and all the changes that are happening in my life. So we go! :) I would write more, but I have to do a heinous fantasy football draft right now. Guh!