Little Black Bear

Last night was hell and I figured today was going to be it. It was going to be the day that I feared was coming. Our little black bear, Maddie Sue passed away today at 10:13am. Even though we had known this moment was coming for a few months, it doesn't make it any easier. She stopped having interest in food on Sunday and by Monday she wasn't really eating anything. Rob had to leave for a big conference on Tuesday. I asked him not to go because I had a feeling something was going to happen and I couldn't be alone. By Tuesday night, she stopped eating completely. I lucked out and got her to take her pain medicine but that was it. I had come home from work and she had moved herself to the laundry room. Odd. She perked up when she heard the door close and gave me a look. I didn't know that would the longest night of my life. Her body temperature had dropped although I had put a big blanket on her. In the midst of dealing with her, Thrasher was having his own issues with onions and I found myself talking to the on-call vet at 11:30 last night trying to figure out what to do. Luckily, Thrasher threw up on his own and is okay. I got on the floor and begged with Maddie to not go tonight. That was  my own self reason because I knew I couldn't handle something like that on my own. I got absolutely no sleep due to me thinking she was eating or dying and my panic attack. I was terrified to wake up and go to the laundry room. I was absolutely shocked to see her still breathing. I got dressed and immediately went to the vet this morning. When the doctor looked her over, he had told me that she was already half gone. I knew this, but Rob was on the first flight out to get here in time, so I asked them to put fluids in her because she was so dehydrated. They did but warned me that even  the fluids wouldn't truly help with anything. Before they took her, I gave her a huge kiss on her snout and told her that I loved her and she was a great dog. She gave me the look.

I had arranged to come and see her at 10:30am. I was talking to my mom telling her that I wish nature would take its course and right when I said that, my phone rang and it was the animal hospital telling me she had passed away.  My BFF, Sarah, said the only thing to me that made me feel slightly better: that I did the right thing by putting her on fluids because they make them feel better, so she was able to relax and let go.

I miss her so much. I can't believe I was able to do things on my own and make all the decisions on my own. Rob didn't make it back in time and I feel horrible about that. I don't think Maddie would want him to see her like that. I'm a firm believer that once it comes to that point, the soul is already in Heaven and the body is just the representation and that's exactly what happened. She was already up there running around with Ernie, Hershey, Twink, Mandy, Brillow(sp?), Princess, and of course, my papa. She was an amazing dog who had a huge heart. I miss her kisses and her big chocolate brown eyes. I know this will get easier eventually, but right now it's just too much.

We put together a list of things we will always remember about her and here it is, so far:

• Fatty Sue, Rhino, Little Black Bear
• She picked Rob as his owner. He tells it the best way, but when he went to go look at dogs, he sat down. Maddie climbed up on his leg and started barking at him. The rest is history.
• She had a tissue/crayon eating habit.
• She LOVED playing with skunks, so much in fact that she got sprayed. Twice.
• Hogging all of the couch
• Sleeping on Rob's hockey towels in his office
• Always finding a way in my car to hop up in the front seat and always sitting on Rob's lap while he's driving.
• Licking our feet
• Hanging out on the front porch at my parent's house and falling asleep with the breeze.
• Insisting on sleeping in the bed with me at the parents.
• Her mouthiness - she would play bark with us
• She would often cross her paws
• There was always one paw touching you when you were holding or petting her.
• The way her ears would flow back when she would stick her head out the window.
• Pawing at us so we would give her attention
• She would go back and forth between Rob and I when we would come home.
• Being so dainty when she chewed bones/eating/drinking/taking food out of our hand.
• You give her a kiss and she'd give one right back.
• She would always be up for snuggling.
• Her voice. The way she would talk. She called me CamiCam.

Maddie Sue, you will forever be missed and you were such an amazing dog. Tell everyone up there that I say hi and give them lots of licks for me. I love you.